wilderworks

Playing Doctor MAGGIE There are better ways to play doctor. Ways that might actually make me feel better. JON Oh. You mean like Dr. Feel-Good. MAGGIE Yeah. JON I love that song. MAGGIE Yeah. And that “Sexual Healing” song is pretty good too. JON Is that Barry White? Barry White’s music makes me feel sexually inadequate. MAGGIE No, I think it’s Marvin Gaye. JON Oh. Well that’s not a very intimidating name.

Inspired by True Events: The Poo Flinger EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY Maggie trudges along, walking the dog. She's got a coat over her robe, boots on, plus her ear-flap knit-cap. She carries a bright plastic baggy, full of dog doo. MAGGIE Bat-Man! The Bat-Man! Quit it. No! For no apparent reason, the dog keeps darting toward the street. She tugs on his leash, and he darts back. MAGGIE (CONT'D) C'mon! Get out of the street! An SUV stops at the stop-sign, just as Maggie reaches it. The dog darts out again, and Maggie yanks him back. MAGGIE (CONT'D) What is the matter with you today? The DRIVER of the SUV rolls her window down. It's a middle-aged woman with a massive superiority complex. DRIVER Why don't you quit yanking on that goddamn dog, you asshole? Maggie stops. Dumbfounded. Can't believe the gall. DRIVER (CONT'D) You're gonna break his neck! The SUV starts away. Maggie's brain slowly processes. MAGGIE ...

Irrational Anxieties Well, the blog visits are down 65% for the last two-week period; which means I'm averaging about zero visitors a day. Why do I look at these things? I know that it can only frustrate me, and clearly the size of an audience has nothing to do with the quality of the work! Clearly! To quote Bullets Over Broadway : SHELDON FLENDER Hey, look who's here! The big Broadway success. I don't write hits. My plays are art! They're written specifically to go unproduced. The decline in readership is discouraging not because it's unexpected, and certainly not because readership was the aim of the blog, but because the decline coincides with the premiere of the real aim of the blog: screenplay pages. Here it is, the main event. A new screenplay by J Wilder Konschak. *crickets* *crickets* *tumbleweed* *creepy religious militia settles in area* Sometimes, a fellow can't help but wonder whether he should be taking a hint. From Bullets O...

Horror Movie Viewing I'm thinking of changing the doctor's name again. In honor of The Abbott & Costello Show, I may name him Dr. Bacciagalupe. Or maybe just Dr. Galoup. INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY LATER The four sit together in the dark, sipping drinks, watching a HORROR MOVIE on the big TV. DISSONANT MUSIC builds. Jon, Ollie, and Finch are tense, attention rapt - but Maggie is a zombie, eyes glazed, body slouched, barely upright. She looks like she's about to drool, she's so pale and spacey. LOUD MUSIC STING! The others JUMP. Finch lets loose a little shout. Ollie and Jon LAUGH at the great scare. But Maggie still glares glassy-eyed. She doesn't move at all. MAGGIE Why did he do that? I thought he was in love with her. Everyone freezes. The air is gone from the room. JON Honey, that wasn't her boyfriend. Maggie scowls at the screen, befuddled. MAGGIE But... Who was it? JON It was the Octopus Man. MAGGIE Ooooh. Righ...

Posting Has Been Slight These are the times when one hour a morning simply isn't even in the ballpark of sufficient time to be a writer. Problem scenes take vast amounts of trial and error, and the next scenes have been big fat problems. I found them painfully boring and, for lack of a better word, domesticated . I don't want to watch nice, friendly people being nice and friendly to one another. Where is the drama in that? The comedy? In the end, this ALL went out the window. The Engaged Couple INT. KITCHEN - EVENING Jon is at the range, cutting vegetables, when Maggie enters, still in her work clothes. MAGGIE Hey. I didn't know you were gonna cook. I was gonna make the salmon. JON I started the salmon, but I chickened out... and made chicken! MAGGIE Oh, yummy. We're having puns. JON You think the guests will like it? MAGGIE Oh. Good question... You probably could've prepared a slightly higher class of joke. For example, you could hav...

Here's how I spent my morning - writing another scene that will never make it into the screenplay, another scene that I find quite charming. I simply have no reason to spend this long introducing a character we don't need to meet at all. At present, we'll never see him again. Regular States INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - DAY Maggie sits on the counter by the sink, eating a yogurt. Her employer, DR. PUGLISI, has his foot up on a chair, putting a penny in his penny loafer. He's an older man, short, balding, powerful. PUGLISI So, it's his parents' house you're moving into? You'll be living on his turf? MAGGIE Nah, they bought it when he was in high school. He never lived there. When they retired to North Carolina, they transferred the remaining mortgage to him. PUGLISI Ridiculous! Why would anyone retire to NORTH Carolina? If you're gonna pick a state to live in, you should pick one of the regular ones. MAGGIE Regular? ...

Here's a little scene that will never make it into the final script, but which came to me while I was thinking through the possibility of a bath scene during that first night, when Jon is taking care of Maggie. Peace in Our Time, Jon... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Jon turns the faucet, adding more hot water to Maggie's cooling bath. She is lying back with a washcloth folded on her forehead, looking very wan. JON Do you think the hot water makes the cold water hotter, or you think the cold water makes the hot water colder? MAGGIE I think they make each other more middle temperature. JON That's the boringest possible answer. You totally science'd me. He stares at her. One would imagine he's contemplating sexy thoughts. But no. JON (CONT'D) People don't act much like they're 75% water, do they? MAGGIE I feel like I'm 99% snot. Does that count? JON Cold people make hot people even hotter, and hot people make cold people eve...